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I was a pre-teen monster

Jessica Suarez
Jessica Suarez
4 min read
I was a pre-teen monster

I’m going down to the Bell House tomorrow to help prep for the Rarities From The State show, where cast members David Wain, Michael Showalter, and Michael Ian Black will show old show clips. Thing is, The State had a huge effect on my formative years. Without the State I would have never learned about Girls Against Boys or Shudder To Think, who co-wrote the theme song. I would have never started listening to Kerri Kenney’s band Cake Like, which led to discovering experimental music (they were signed to John Zorn’s label).

So to celebrate I thought I’d post half of my State zine along with some transcribed quotes. This zine contains my first “interview” ever, a Q&A conducted over AOL mail with Michael Ian Black when I was 13. I then interviewed him again when I was 23, then again for Paper Thin Walls about a year ago. I believe my interview technique has remained stable, and remains still better than 60% of the Q&A’s I read from grown men and women.

Click on the pictures for full-sized pages.


Page 1 notes:

  • My zine was called “Squiky Clean,” because my principal’s one stipulation for distributing a zine on campus was that it be “squeaky clean.” The misspelling was intentional, as I was intentionally lazy when I did the layout in Quark.
  • I describe Michael Ian Black as “amazingly talented, amazingly attractive.” He looks pretty much the same now, so I stand by that.
  • I wrote a sidebar about how how protecting the environment, and charity in general, was stupid. This was during a brief objectivist stage that I got over quickly. In 8th grade I joined the young socialists.


Page 2 notes:

  • This is a continuation of the Michael Ian Black interview. I have inserted things like “Good answer” and “I agree” after his answers, to make it seem less “over email Q&A”-like.

 


Page 3 notes:

  • This page includes quotes from Shakespeare and Francis Bacon, which I think I got from searching a quotes database for phrases like “revenge.” Revenge was, for me, like many nerds in middle school, a big daily concern.
  • The second part of this page is called “Let’s play a game,” basically a list of fantasies like becoming an intern at MTV, front tickets to REM, shopping on Southstreet in Philadelphia, and getting “smashed on Yeagermeisters [sic] while hanging out backstage with Tim and the rest of the guys in Rancid after their show at CBGB’s.” I have still never had a Jagermeister. Or ever went to CBGB’s. Or hung out with Rancid.

 


Page 4 notes:

  • “New York is unconditionally, undeniably, the coolest city in the world.” Reasons I list were: invention of moshing, Greenwich Village and Soho, and the Hard Rock Cafe and House Of Blues. The latter two must have symbolized some sort of famous-cool to me, otherwise I can’t believe I held them in the same regard as CBGB’s. But, I did predict that they would be one in the same some day.
  • “Take this from a future New Yorker.”
  • I also explain what six degrees of separation is, because I had just seen the movie “Six Degrees of Separation.”

 


Page 5 notes:

  • I review Cake Like, mentioning that the CD was $22 dollars on import, which is like $30 after inflation and like $2,455 to a kid in middle school.
  • “Their sound is raw, edgy, unique and powerful.”
  • I also talk about their “chunky guitars, sporadic bass and lyrics about crushes.” This is, still, mostly what I’m looking for.

 

Check some things off the middle school wish list: As a 13-year-old comedy nerd in Yorktown, Virginia, I thought endlessly about moving to New York, writing for magazines, and going to shows. So for the most part I’ve done alright.

 

young adulthood

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Pope Francis, some jokes, and a YT of him slapping away delusional touchy fan

If you love Catholic core and ritual and opulence and online gambling and 🙏 GOD 🙏, this is your Shark Week

Pope Francis, some jokes, and a YT of him slapping away delusional touchy fan

Between Conclave, The Two Popes, The Young Pope, and the 2022 wave of far-left and far-right edgelords roleplaying TradCath, the 2024 and current TikTok Catholic Core aesthetic trend seems, er, trendy, but maybe already peaked last year. Or 2018. Still, if you love Catholic imagery and ritual and opulence, this is your Shark Week.

I (for some reason) looked for Pope Francis Tik Toks but mostly found those looks, from fine lace head coverings and all-white cotton cottagecore purity, gothic Catholic witchcore spilling into The Craft / Cruel Intentions dark academia, and Y2K sacrosancta with dark lip liner, Mary cameo rings, thrifted crucifixes above the bed, even some Madonna-ish 80s soft-focus fallen angel vibes wearing layered rosaries, massive bows in messy curls, low-cut communion-eque dresses and captions like "feeling like a virgin rn, might convert." I found a TikTok of all the holy water one Catholic Core influencer keeps at home. I don't have any Holy Water at home. This is how social media sells the want, not the product.

Then I got to the young hot Catholic priest fan edits set to hardstyle techno. First one ended with a illustration of Christ Jesus with a Biblically accurate sharp jawline. That's weird, right? What's the end goal here?

But let's think this through? Did you know priests are sometimes fully ordained at 24? Or that men don't have to be a Cardinals or even priests at all to be elected... just any baptized Catholic male with massive charm and self-belief.* And humility, too (got ya).

I probably have something a sliver less trivial and wordy to say about post-covid loneliness, the desire for ritual, community, tradition, parasocialism and donating for attention, horseshoe theory, or the sheer volume of Catholic architecture, art, fashion and relics to discover, if you just like aesthetics.

A Gen Z person already wrote the piece on Pope Francis' death, and his return to Catholic faith inspired by Pope Francis. This was for Esquire! Gen Z may actually, really, be joining the Catholic church. We'll see (the data is unclear). He also argues for all of us, lapsed, faithful, indifferent Catholics, atheists, aesthetes or ascetes (in this economy) to all avoid the discourse this week, the meaning jokes and politics and, I'm sure, the online betting pools on Stake.**

All of the above aside, I did feel a shift, a sadness and appreciation for a man who could have locked himself away but dedicated himself to the poor, migrants, refugees, climate change, social justice. He met with Trump and criticized him right on Twitter (thats why Trump wrote such a weak tribute – so jealous.) Francis apologized to victims of church abuse and then the church's silence, he met with displaced indigenous people to ask for their forgiveness. He held an audience with Jimmy Fallon and laughed at his non-jokes, maybe as some kind of goofy self flagellation?

So yeah.. loss, sadness, worry. A woman interviewed early this morning outside St. Peter's (on CNN maybe) said "He left us..." or maybe, "He abandoned us..." but that's judgy wasn't like he wanted to. As I said on LinkedIn, the death of the Pope makes every once Catholic feel off... genuinely, hurt, surprised, a bit lost, fatherless?

We got lucky – the last one was awful AND a quitter. This one clearly should've been rested on Easter but still greeted visitors and blessed crowds, drove around the plaza in that car, met with JD Vance, which he should've gotten out of last minute. Pope Francis seemed so very human, esp for the vessel of God's message on earth. He had Pope jokes and a fav football team and hard liquor. Did you see his line of merch for his US tour? Kpop stans said it was better than favs and he gave away photocards, for free!

I followed him on Twitter, which is corny but sometimes you need some hope and encouragement between all the racial slurs and Elon posts. I don't know if we'll get another Pope like him, that's where the worry comes from... can we get another one that you could just like, be a sometime fan of, sometimes, casually, without following or believing he's a messenger of God's own tweets.

One hilarious and bizarre part of Catholicism is that the priests you like, or at least don't find scary, are nice old guys with kind eyes. trapped underneath highly covetable, frightening, stuffy, very on trend layers of opulent Catholic core. The church is comfortingly, reliably, anachronistically what it will always be. But I hope we get another Pope like the last one.

I have no idea why this brought me back to a blog I haven't updated in almost a decade. But maybe I'll do more? My last post was on Battlestar Galactica what am I? Please let me know if this is interesting as a read or if you made it this far!

Also here's the Pope handling a delulu fan like a absolute icon. I might make a YT short with it later. Is there anything more relatable than telling someone to back the fuck up?



*I would return to the church if they elected a 24 year old from like, Connecticut, to be the infallible word of God on earth. Very unlikely, but it's a "screw it, we go full send" time for elected leaders. If the kid's old enough to run the federal government into the ground, he's old enough to guide 1.5 billion (not literal esp compared to him) children.

no one ever shares my hobbies


Also, could I even have unwavering belief in a 24 year old Florida Pope with official decrees and hot takes on Twitter, but all from God? What if he also just returned to the church because he's Gen Z and liked Pope Francis and wants IRL community and organizations to volunteer with? I don't think I could get with a just converted pope with less experience than I, and I speak for all Catholics over 24 I bet.

I'm biased and still stuck on this debate... but Papacy is the perfect millennial career pivot. Jesus didn't start his ministry until age 30, the Prophet Muhammad was just over 40 when he received his first revelation from God. Young and passionate, and worked a real job first. And didn't live with their parents, I think. Our Pope should follow in their footsteps if he wants to speak for God.

** (Heretics should also stop talking shit about Catholics this week, for once. You are unhinged in your replies to that Mark Wahlberg prayer app ad. Literally – first reply was whining about how Catholics won't shut up about being Catholic. It's Mark Wahlberg pitching prayer, with some ranks or gamification, we know we need to work on ourselves. But remove the stake from your eye, so mad for what?)

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I've been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica. And soon...

I'v been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica. And soon after I started watching I started thinking I really like the dude who plays Felix Gaeta. Then I started thinking. It would be awesome to meet him. Later: “I bet I could meet him at like, some

I'v been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica. And soon after I started watching I started thinking I really like the dude who plays Felix Gaeta. Then I started thinking. It would be awesome to meet him. Later: “I bet I could meet him at like, some sort of event. Next thing I know I'm looking up sci-fi conventions featuring Galactica panels and photo sessions. So that's how it starts, I guess, and it ends with me posing with a pissed off Alessandro Juliani in front of a speckled blue backdrop.

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Selected Entries From My Pitchfork Half-Decade Ballot

Albums 5. Wild Beasts: Present Tense 6. EMA: Past Life Martyred Saints 8. WU LYF: Go Tell Fire to the Mountain 12. Ciara: Ciara 16. Swans: The Seer 19. Sharon Van Etten: Tramp 25. Pusha T: My Name Is My Name 26. Marnie Stern: Marnie Stern 33. Childish Gambino: Camp

 Albums

5. Wild Beasts: Present Tense
6. EMA: Past Life Martyred Saints
8. WU LYF: Go Tell Fire to the Mountain
12. Ciara: Ciara
16. Swans: The Seer
19. Sharon Van Etten: Tramp
25. Pusha T: My Name Is My Name
26. Marnie Stern: Marnie Stern
33. Childish Gambino: Camp
37. Maria Minerva: Will Happiness Find Me?
43. Schoolboy Q: Habits & Contradictions

Tracks

1. Beyoncé: “Halo”
17. Beyoncé: “Countdown”
32. Beyoncé: “Drunk in Love”
38. Beyoncé: “Blow”
43. Man Man: “Head On”

I wrote about “Ride” and “212” for Pitchfork’s tracks list.